I am SOOOOooo Done being Fat

Dr. Scare....

2011-07-06T16:45:00.003-05:00

ok.. My doctor put the living scare in me -- I had an elevated test when he ran some general tests on me for my GI issues.... and I ended up having to go to the ER to have a CAT scan.... He was afraid I might have a PE -- basically a blood clot in my chest.... GREAT!.... ARGH... However, everything turned out to be just fine! THANK GOD!

I am, however, afraid of getting my medical bills from all these tests... EKG, Stress Test, CAT scan, visit to ER etc. (I'm guessing a total of this will be near $1000-1500...) ... I'm sure it's going to be through the roof.... Our insurance is not so great... Either way I know the tests needed to be done to rule that out -- because if I had a clot it could kill me... I'm just glad I'm ok.

Not having a great week so far. I'm hoping to turn that around tonight. Been rather stressful week and I tend to stress eat.... So I've had a bit more than I should have. But as we all know, we gotta get back on track as soon as possible... So that's what I am doing.

Hope you all are having a great week. I know mine is getting better... Especially since I know I don't have a blood clot!

Disturbing Trend...

2011-06-13T13:35:00.000-05:00

I was watching one of the Pixar movies the other day that I have not seen. It was the one with the dog? you know the one that the dog is the super hero -- The name is escaping me... but maybe because I had also watched Wall-e recently... I've noticed a "big" trend... -- pun intended.. All the mom's in these show are getting bigger and bigger and bigger... I think the idea is to make the mom's more "real".. but I also think there is a danger as accepting that as the new norm. I'm all for diversity because no everyone is the same -- it's what makes us interesting -- but I guess I'm sensitive to the fat mom... because that's what I am.. and SOOOO not what I want to be...

Fat mom's and well.. fat dad's are popping up all over TV. In commercials, in TV shows in reality shows... And like I said I'm torn on this. I am a big fan of diversity but I think it bothers me so much because it hits too close to home... a reminder that I don't want to be fat and being fat -- although I am a lot less fat now I might add -- still on several levels makes me feel like a failure....

I guess I'm looking for more role models on TV and movies... and not supper anorexic types either but ones that are athletic and healthy for a change...

Am I just oversensitive over this issue or do you see a trend too????

been awhile!

2010-08-21T12:29:00.000-05:00

ok... so I have been terrible about being back here to write about what has been going on. I decided to join weight watchers in Mid may this year and it has transformed my life. I have been steadily losing weight and have lost over 23 lbs to date. I am really transforming my life. It's about a lifestyle change and that's exactly what i have done. I have noticed that my life does not focus competely around food anymore and I am comfortable eating a lot less than I use to. The amount of food I eat is normal now. And I am excited knowing that I am on my way to my goals.

I have been reading other blogs and ran across this and found it rather interesting. It's worth a watch. Makes me think twice about any "diet" product out there. There really is no quick FIX to losing weight... Just calories in and calories out.

http://www.diet-blog.com/10/draft_before_and_after_shots_the_truth.php

I hope to be back here more often.

Goal One DOWN!!!

2009-11-05T21:16:00.000-05:00

Wooo HOOO... today is a day sort of celebration. I hit my goal one. I snuck a weigh in today instead of saturday.

However my happiness over my goal is really bittersweet..... found out yesterday that my husband's grandmother passed away. I was very sad about this. She was a good woman. I'll be back to write more soon...

plugging along...

2009-10-28T20:37:00.002-05:00

I had a rough week last week with regards to a weight loss. I knew I was not that tight with the food... and of course I was not tracking. Consequentially I stepped on the scale on saturday and did not like what I saw. It was up a pound... but I know I did not eat enough to gain a pound -- so I am going to blame it on water retention. Either way -- I knew I did not want to get on the scale that day but made myself get on because I really really need to weigh myself at least once a week.

My approach this time is to try to not get too caught up on weighing myself every other day or what not -- and to be honest -- I don't have time to obsess like that right now. The baby is getting more challenging to manage during the day so I find that time is an issue for me.

This week has really started off to be a good week. I am hoping that i will be pleased with the weigh in on Saturday. I am adding or trying to ad more time to work out and I am finally getting around to tracking my food daily. they do say it keeps you honest... but it's totally true.

I am also trying to do a lot of self positive talk before I go to bed. I know it totally sounds corny but I think it's important to say to yourself that that you can do this and that you will do this and basically you are doing a good job. I am so tired of being overweight -- and I think you need to get to that point to finally make a life change. I want to be a good example to my boys and honestly I want to be able to ware cute clothes again.

I have been watching a lot of "what not to wear" --- and their basic premise to the show is if you feel like you look good in your clothing it really can make a difference in your life. A Lot of the people on the show I can relate to. The way that a lot of them dress are in oversized and frumpy clothing are basically hiding in their clothing -- I think there is a bit of... "well, I am invisible in this outfit - no one will notice I gained weight" going on or what ever may be the issue. So I am looking forward to buying newer smaller clothing in the near future.

Keep your fingers crossed that I'll have a good weight in! I am SOOOOooo close to my first goal... I can well... taste it!

disappointing week?

2009-10-17T20:21:00.000-05:00

This week I only lost 1/2 pound.. I think I should be happy with this. But I feel like I fell short of my expectation. However looking back at the week. I am actually surprised I lost anything at all. My mother in law was up visiting last week... and dropped a bomb on us that she's planning on retiring and moving near us in 4 years.... - At least it's in 4 years.... I'm still adjusting to this idea. My wonderful husband also made great BBQ this week -- so it was hard not to eat the really fattening ribs and pork roast he made.

So now that I see it. it really is a victory that I lost anything this week! I also am proud that all the stress I had this week really has not derailed me from my eating program.

I'm hoping this week I'll make it to my first mini-goal! Keep your fingers crossed for me.

The Biggest Loser....

2009-09-22T20:37:00.000-05:00

The new season of the biggest loser is off to a heavy start this year. They seem to keep finding bigger and bigger contestants.

I do enjoy watching this show as motivation but it's unrealistic to be able to lose that much weight that fast. I so wish I could lose 15 lbs in a week -- But i think any loss is a good loss. I have to remind myself of that each time I watch the show. It sort of looks easy on some levels -- i mean all the contestants are isolated from their real life where stress and time constraints are all removed. It sort of reminds me of how you hear about some movie star loses a ton of weight -- They have the time and money to be able to only focus on their weight loss. They have personal chefs, they have nannys they have personal trainers that take care of everything for them.

In the mean time, I'll keep watching -- hoping to learn something new or some new tip to help me focus on my diet and weight loss goals.

Hormones suck...

2009-09-09T10:44:00.000-05:00

All I want to do today is eat -- eat. eat. eat. eat..... Monthly fluctuations in hormones really suck. I'm not feeling great -- and of course as we all know - well those of us with food issues know that eating makes us feel better - Well at least at first, then you have remorse after you eat -- and the cycle starts all over -- eat feel better -- then after eating feel worse... So here I am siting here and writing this instead of heading over to the fridge...

New outlook...

2009-09-04T21:26:00.003-05:00

I think I have finally set up a new look for my blog. I've been messing around with things on this but I seem to like this one -- but you never know - I'm quite fickle with design!

I was sort of having an argument with myself the past week or so... Being on a tighter budget having two kids, I tend to not spend a lot of money on myself. Consequentially, I generally only have perhaps 2 pairs of pants -- I think I only have a few because I really cannot stand shopping for clothes so big - there's no fun it it for me-- It's a constant reminder of how I have failed with my weight. So the reality side of my brain talked me into getting at least 2 pairs (the labor day sales kind of prompted me to go) Well, I was down to really one pair of jeans left and they were on their way out and have seen better days. The argument I had was... I'll just lose weight and then buy the smaller jeans.... but I think sitll part of my brain thinks this is going to happen overnight -- if I have only one or two days and like Magic -- I'll fit into a size 16....But I need to have something to wear NOW!!!
So off to the mall we went. I wanted to find different jeans than I normally wear. The ones I usually buy are kind of stretchy but I was HORRIFIED after watching what jeans to buy on "What Not To Wear" -- that I actually have MOM JEANS.... What are mom jeans you might ask -- I always envisioned them having the elastic waist band in the back -- I never really knew what it mean... To my HORROR I found out that my style of jeans (tapered leg at least it wasn't high waisted) are considered "mom" jeans...

In the store, I found a size 18 in a Straight leg -- I was not able to try it on in the store (two kids in tow does not make for a pleasant experience in the fitting room -- and who wants to hear a 6 year old say "Mommy, those don't fit you" -- or even worse Laugh at you.... ) The good news is that they are snug -- but I really expected it to be worse. So progress has been made. So these two should last me for awhile -- and Hey, maybe I can have them falling off me so I might be able to skip a 16 and go to a 14!... (yeah.... I know, that brain needs a little adjusting -- I just have to shake it around every so often to let a little reality sink back in... Baby Steps! Baby Steps!....)
Other news:

School started this past week. Mixed emotions over this, for you see my first grader has food allergies. The school system where we lived switched principals last year. The previous food allergy program seemed to work well -- i found out that the new principal is changing things -- and it's rather stressful. So without going into way too much detail on this I've been stressed out with this and it of course has made me want to eat...But recognizing it is the first step. Right? I did ok for the most part but do not expect a huge loss -- I'll be happy with a pound or two at this point with tomorrow's weigh in.

Good Day...

2009-08-29T20:35:00.000-05:00

So far so good. Day one for me is usually always the hardest. I guess part of my motivation is that I finally stepped on the scale and looked at the number. See I have one of those scales that you can "record" your weight -- and then the next time you hop on it. .. it will tell you how much you have lost or gained... I always think well.. when I cannot bear to see the number on the scale that I will just have to "record" the number -- then I can go back to it on the next weigh in and see how much I have lost... Well.. always sounds like a great idea but in reality it does not really work. I need to see the number to help shall we say motivate me to stay on track... it's the "Holy S***" moment... "do I really weight that much I better do something about it" moment. So I am back here ready to be back on track....

I am also taking a new approach -- Why is it that when I want to start a weight loss program, I immediately start to calculate -- when and how i will reach my goal weight... This always proves fruitless because unfortunately our bodies do not always lose weight on the schedule we want. So my new approach is baby steps... I will set up a series of goals -- in the neighborhood of 10-12 lbs or so -- and after each milestone is reached I will give myself a reward. I think if I think about how much I want to lose it's overwhelming.. so baby steps... all little baby steps!

So far Day one done!

What not to wear….

2009-08-29T20:07:00.003-05:00

While the hosts of this show kind of bug me — I cannot help but watch the transformation of women of All sizes. The goal is to feel better about themselves and look and dress better. I just watched an episode of a woman who wanted to really disappear in her clothing…. I so can relate to that. When I am not feeling emotionally well It completely reflects on the outside.
I am starting to think about maybe clothing goals when I meet my monthly goals… I was at the mall the other day and I really really miss going out and just shopping for something for me. Not spending a huge amount of money but just do a little something for me.

When you become a mom it gets so easy to get a little lost in your kids life. You think, well it’s ok.. I don’t really need this or that — I’d rather spend the money on the kids… I think I need to rethink this because my life has be woefully out of balance and I want to get it back into a more manageable stance and also feel better about me and who I am.
Things to think about! Things to think about….

2009-08-16T19:44:00.000-05:00

IT’s amazing. I am ready to get back on track. Finally!

Have you ever felt so uncomfortable in your own skin you want to scream? I am at that point. I am ready to focus again on weight loss. I have had quite a year -- and Things are winding down and I am getting to a point that I can get back to a more normal schedule.

After having a baby 10 months ago -- My son is sort of sleeping through the night -- My older son is headed back to school in a few weeks so I will be on a more regular schedule. I have started working out again -- God does that feel so good! I am also weening my baby and that also frees up so much time for me. I unfortunately was exclusively pumping -- so it’s a bit easier emotionally to ween vs. actual breast feeding.... non the less I am enjoying the freedom.

So you will see me back posting -- I still say the hardest step is the first one --- I recently saw a photo of myself and am ready to take that step again.

:)

renewed inspiration.. 4/19/09

2009-04-19T20:38:00.000-05:00

i have been far too absent from this blog. My life is crazy busy living with a 5 year old and a 7 month old seems to take all my time away from me. i only get a few moments in the evening to myself.

But every so often... something happens in our life that makes us reflect into ourself.. or perhaps it is a few things. I want to change things in my life. i am tired of being this big... i have no energy and after taking my blood pressure it has creeps up. So i need to fix this weight issue. I need to figure out how to balance my life better.

My husband's aunt passed away this past friday. The saddest part is that she was only in her mid 50s. She was diagnosed with breast cancer in the fall and was given an all clear in december after undergoing chemo and a mastectomy. About 3 weeks ago, the cancer had come back with a vengeance and went to her lungs. This is then what she died from. she could no longer breath. It was horrible to experience this -- Her death got me thinking that I really need to get back on track and take better care of myself.

It is so easy to get caught up in the day to day activities of our children that we somehow seem to lose sight of taking care of ourselves... You say --'oh i'll start that diet tomorrow --- and tomorrow comes and you still have not started... then it's next week i'll start and somehow days and weeks seem to slip by you and you've gained another 10 lbs.

i have a problem with self medicating with food. It is a comfort... .it is a companion and is always there --- it's dependable .... it makes you feel good while you are eating... it can release endorphins that make you feel good...I eat when i get stressed, when i am mad, when i am happy.... i think every emotion can make me run to the fridge. Why do we do this? More important --- how to stop.. That is the challenge. I may not have the courage to see the number on the scale first.. and I may not want to share the actual number but I need to start doing something and downward numbers definitely help keep me motivated.

Feeling Sad

2009-01-03T22:51:00.000-05:00

I found out that one of my dear friend/co-workers mom had a massive stroke on xmas eve. She had just had surgery for her heart and was doing really well. She is in her 80’s but is one of the most vibrant seniors I know. She always liven ups the office by her presence and is always a joy to be around. While the doctors are not optimistic about her recovery I hope she will. She will be sadly missed if she does not recover. Life is way to short.

harsh reality...

2009-01-02T19:20:00.001-05:00

Have you ever had those moments... You know the one that really realized that your outside image does not match the one that you have in your head? Well reality just smacked me in the face again. I don’t know why I am surprised every time this happens. I mean.. I know the number on the scale isn’t exactly pretty.. and I’ve been down this road before but somehow you slip back into denial - you keep thinking “I’m not really THAT fat” -- Well... I just snapped back into reality when my husband took some photos over christmas. I look HORRIBLE! I know I just had a baby a few months ago but that is really no excuse. So I am refocusing myself... I think I’ve been using the baby as an excuse to not really watch what I am eating...

Taking extra portions because “I’m breast feeding” I tell myself.. so I need the extra food... NO --- I don’t need the extra food....

So I have hit that moment again -- when I started this blog -- I am SOOOO done being fat -- I want to get healthy and feel better about myself.

The worst part is I recently joined Facebook. It’s actually stirred up all sorts of weird feeling because I am back in touch with a lot of people I went to high school with. I know people love to post photos of themselves.. but I cannot bring myself to post any of my fat photos. I have one from my wedding when I weighted around 170 and don’t look too bad -- but there’s no way I would post one now. I would love to have that as a goal for me. Post some photos that I am not embarrassed about. I still cannot believe it’s been 20 years since I graduated from High School.

It’s funny because if you really think about all the accomplishments you have made since high school I am sure the list is long. I know mine is. I am successful at my chosen career, I have a wonderful husband who loves me unconditionally, and I have two beautiful children, I live in a nice house in a nice town -- But I can’t help but feel like a failure because I am overweight. I don’t want to be judged by my weight anymore and I don’t want to “accept” my current size.

2008-12-29T23:02:00.000-05:00

So my second baby has developed a case of Eczema in the past two weeks or so. I am so scared he might have a food allergy just like my first... I so don’t want to go through that again. It’s so stressful and I was hoping that he would have a normal childhood without me hovering and constantly having to worry about the food choices he makes.

I have dropped Soy and Milk out of my diet. I have been busting my ass to make sure he gets exclusive breast milk and am wondering if I have done more harm than good with this. I am so looking forward to taking My first child to the Allergy doctor in a few days so I can talk about how to start getting my second son tested... I am of course concerned about my older son but I know that we have been managing things fine with him and we have a handle on how to deal with his particular situation. I think fear of the unknown is the scary part that I really don’t want to deal with.

I also feel a bit unsupported by the Peditrican’s office. When I brought the baby in to have someone check out the spot on his cheek -- I mentioned that I was going to eliminate certain foods from my diet and she was kind of wishy washy about the idea. She said, well you know that’s kind of hard to do... I was like “duh, I know but I am willing to do it ”-- I mean I was able to change my diet when I had to when I had gestational diabetes... I can do it now.

long time....

2008-07-15T18:21:00.002-05:00

HI -- It's been awhile since I have last posted... I plan on posting more in the coming months... As some of you know I am pregnant and expecting another child in September... Once the baby is born... I am back to the healthy living style and weight loss... I have been eating healthy during my pregnancy... but at least I will get rewarded with weight loss.

Things during my pregnancy have been relatively good -- However I did develop one complication with Gestational Diabetes. I NEVER want to have to deal with this in a non pregnancy state... I don't know how people who develop type II stay that way... It's a huge incentive to stay on program and eat healthier and exercise more. I was really upset when I found out about the GD -- Because it felt like a failure on my part that I was diagnosed.... After doing some research --- anyone can get GD - It's more common in women over 25... The weight probably didn't help but it wasn't the sole cause....

I am doing great managing it. I feel like I have to take care of it... it's for a greater reason other than vanity... taking care of my baby....

I am looking forward to getting my body back to normal... Pregnancy towards the end can be a real drain.

I hope to be back on a more regular basis soon

Big News...

2008-03-19T19:51:00.002-05:00

Hi all ---

I know it's been a long time since I have written -- lots have changed here.

for starters --- My husband and I are now expecting our 2nd child. I am now just about 12 weeks and I managed to get pregnant back in January --- thus the hold on the weight program. I am trying to continue eating right and trying not to over eat during this pregnancy. One thing I can do is definitely keep working out. So far I have been getting on my elliptical 3 times a week at least for an hour each time. Mind you I am not working out to my highest level -- but keeping moving so I can keep my blood pressure in good condition and overall feel better about myself.

I may check in time to time --- but If I am absent -- you at least know why.

2nd --- We did get a new dog. It happened much faster than I ever expected. He's still quite the puppy and I feel like I now have two children and another one on the way!!! But my son is enjoying him and so is my husband. Some day I'll get another female shih tzu- -- but for now we have a male Havanese who is quite mischievous --- and SOOOO different from my other dog.

I'm looking forward to Easter because I finally get to tell my family about our news. It's been so hard to keep quiet...

Like I said -- I'll be checking in from time to time --- and I will be strictly back on program once the baby comes!

Lots o news...

2008-01-30T18:37:00.000-05:00

So... As i check the date it's been well over a month since I have written. There has been a lot going on in my life and I'll try to get you up to speed.

1) we're in the process of possibly getting a new dog.
Much to my surprise I went to a dog show --- which put me in such good spirits I cannot tell you!!! I have been looking for some options for different breeds that are more family friendly. While I love Shih Tzus... realistically they are really not good when you have little ones around. My previous dog was known from time to time to snip if someone surprised her. (well she'd only bit other people -- she never bit me) Anyway, I did a lot of research and going to the show helped narrow down the breed. We've settled on a Havanese. Great little dogs - very spirited.

I made some connections through the show and we're going to look at what my husband is calling a "used dog" over the weekend. The breeder I have contacted has a 8 month old pup that someone decided needed a bigger family for -- She was a single woman who recently lost her husband and she didn't realize how much work went into caring for a dog. So I think it's a perfect option for us.

2) I was extremely saddened by the sudden passing of a collegue friend of mine over the weekend. He was involved in a car accident while driving his son back to college. We will all miss him. He was the type of person who really was a good soul.

There's other bigger news coming.... but I want to wait to share.... ;)

December 19

2007-12-19T22:35:00.001-05:00

Boy does time fly. I can't belive it's been this long. So, I've been really struggling lately. Having one good day and then the next is a not so good day. I am trying to remember if I have a bad meal or morning it doesn't mean to blow the whole day. The next meal is time to get back on track.l

I have been working out. Not as much as I'd like but at least I am getting back in the swing. I have also added some resistence training with some rubber bands. They are much harder than I ever expected. But that's good I guess. So I have been doing about 1/2 hour of cardio (longer if I can stand it) then about 15 min of resistance traning ever other day. So this is helping me offset my good bad days.

I will be much happier after xmas is over. I sort of hate this time of year. I feel like there is not time to get anything done and it seems like everything is over before I can even enjoy it! Makes me want to be a kid again when all you had to do was wait for the big day.

My other big problem lately is that I seem to be wanting to snack at night. I am trying to spend more time away from the kitchen in the evening... that seems to work best. I also always keep a snack for after dinner into my calorie allowance. It's lately that I've been wanting more after that.

Need to be better with my water as well. I think that could be the culprit as to why I am looking for food in the evening. I read somewhere that your brain might think your body wants food when it actually wants water....

Goals for the rest of this week and over the weekend are to drink more water and to have consistent days of calorie consumption!s

Feeling Lost....

2007-11-29T22:16:00.000-05:00

Today my dogs ashes arrive courtesy of UPS.... My Husband has been taking care of all of this so I had no clue this was going to happen. I thought we'd have to go to the vet office and pick them up there. So I was completely sidelined when the package came today. I even handed it to my husband since it was for him -- but didn't bother to look at the return address.

So all of my feelings of loss came flooding back to me. I feel so lost without a pet. I just don't know what to do with myself. It sounds crazy I know, I have a 4 year old who is a lot of work but my dog was really all about me and my relationship with her. It seems like as parents we get so caught up with the day to day activities it seems that there is less and less time for ourselves.

I have had thoughts of getting another dog. Am I crazy???? I think part of me thinks the hurt will stop. Before tonight things were getting better -- I still think about her but have not cried really in a couple weeks. Progress one might say... I think. --- I just miss my companion and my foot warmer. My husband has a lot of activities so with my dog around I never really felt alone. especially when i go to bed at night. I still leave a space for her at the foot of the bed for her. I think that is what bothers me the most right now. I feel very very alone.

I know at some point I will adopt another dog into our family. Not sure when this will be. But I think in the future we will adopt at least 2 dogs but spread them a few years apart.

On the weight loss front.... oye --- Things have been way too stressful --- I just want to continue to eat like a normal person and work out more. I have only been getting on the elliptical one or two days a week.

food hangover....

2007-11-24T18:33:00.000-05:00

I was wondering if I am the only one out there --- but, when I go to bed from a day that my food intake is not so good....I wake up feeling awful. Kind of like an emotional hang over from bad food. When I go to bed and have had a good day or a day that what I classify as eating like a "normal" person --- I feel so much better.

So tomorrow is going to be a good day! I plan on waking up feeling good about myself. I even got a good work out in today as well.

Yesterday I did something scary! I actually added up all the calories in our family stuffing recipe. Oh my lord... a serving is approximately 1/20 of the recipe (it makes a ton) is 575 calories!!! Holy smokes. I had some for thankgiving and the day after but I needed to see how many empty calories I was consuming to basically keep me away from the stuffing in the future. It worked.. so well that I ended up putting the rest down the disposal. A little of that stuff is good for a holday... but having vats and vats of it around to not only add up calories it's loaded with butter that can clog our arteries. Who needs it.

Thanksgiving

2007-11-22T20:23:00.000-05:00

I am thankful that Thanksgiving is over. I of course did indulge with too much food. But actually It feels pretty yuckky. It's good to over indulge ever so often to remind ourselves how awful you feel when you eat too much.

I also want to mention (To remind myself of course) that Thanksgiving is ONE day! It's not open season to eat from November through new years day! So tomorrow -- i am back on track. And will we all really be upset if we end up throwing out food. I LOVE stuffing. Who doesn't but the one we make is really really fattening. Lots of butter lots of carbohydrates and lots of pork in it. So --- I indulged and now it's over.

Things that I am thankful for! (not in any particular order)

1) losing weight -- I REALLy noticed a difference in just being able to be on my feet the past two days cooking. In the past my back hurt and all I wanted to do was go lay down! Working out really makes a difference

2) Eating yogurt daily. --- The commercials are right -- my intestines were a mess shortly after my dog passed away. Two weeks of a daily yogurt made me feel so much better!

3) My family.

4) My job. I truly love what I do

5) Being Able to cross my legs comfortably!

6) Wearing smaller clothing

7) Feeling a little more comfortable in my own skin

That's all I got for the moment – What are you thankful for?

Poison in our makeup...

2007-11-11T22:02:00.001-05:00

Some food for thought. Recently a friend of a woman I work with was diagnosed with breast cancer. She ate well, excercises every day and keeps her weight at a normal range and has no family history of cancer. Scared and perplexed, she inquired to the doctor how this could happen. His answer was simply many in the medical profession think the environment and or products she was using could have possibly contributed to it.

A few days later I was reading in a newsletter that I get -- a link to a website called Cosmetics Database. (http://www.cosmeticsdatabase.com) So out of curiosity I went to the site. Owww Chowowa..... I could not believe all the crap that is in a lot of our household items that we use every day.

They have a scale for items. 1-2 considered low risk, 3-6 medium risk, and 7-10 high risk.
So it's made me rethink the products I put on my face and else where... Things that I was surprised at seem to be high in toxicity -- Like shaving cream (an 8)! Who would think. I seeemed to notice that items that have more fragrence in them tended to be on the higher end of the spectrum.

I thought I'd post this here in case you have not heard about this and perhaps wanted to check out your own products.

I also ordered some test make up from a company that is rated on the low end of the rating spectrum and if it's good and i like I'll post it here to give you a recommendtaion. I am just all for anything that we can do besides losing weight to help reduce our cancer risk.

healing a Broken Heart...

2007-11-11T21:59:00.001-05:00

So I am slowly recovering from my heart breaking from losing my beloved dog. It has not been easy but things are slowly getting better. Thank you all for you sweet comments. I appreciate it.

So with that being said -- I'm planning on moving forward on my program. Let's just say it's been thrown out the window en light of everything that has happened and I need to get back on track.

I did manage to work out at least one day this weekend. So - I'm setting a goal for this week --- stay on track with 1500 cal per day and track all food daily! Keep your fingers crossed for me.

sadness is...

2007-10-27T20:49:00.000-05:00

You'll have to forgive me for not giving a full report of my weight this week.

I am so sorry to report that we had to put down my dog last night. It was probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do to date. I am overwhelmed by the grief I feel for the lost of my little friend. I'm not sure if thing will be ever the same again and that makes me so sad. All I seem to do now is cry and cry. I feel an emptiness that I have not felt since my grandmother died when I was 16.

This photo is my favorite photo of her that my future husband at the time took. It really shows the twinkle in her eye and I think completely encompasses the way that I want to remember her.

This dog was so special to me -- I got her when I was 25 and living in NYC. As I have said in other posts she really has been with me and has in a sense helped me grow up. She was a very active dog and was very independent. She loved sleeping at the foot of my bed and I loved having her there. I moved into a studio apartment in Brooklyn NY and got her when I was living there. I never felt alone when she was in my life. It was always nice to have her to come home to when I was working in an office. I was always taking her with me where ever I went. She loved her dog kennel that looked more like a shoulder bag than a kennel. She always knew when to come to me when I was feeling bad and she always listened to me whenever I needed someone to talk to.

That's why it's been so hard to watch her deteriorate the past few years. Dogs seem to get old so quick and they die way before their time. I think the best part about having a special relationship with a pet is that it's a pure relationship completely based around love. Dogs are especially good at giving and giving -- and they don't care what you look like or if you've gained weight or judge you on what you choose to wear. All they care about is seeing you and being with you.

It started to rain last night and it rained all day. It was like the heavens were mourning her death as well. Towards the end of the afternoon there was the most beautiful sun peeking through the clouds. It was as if God was welcoming her into his arms and wanted me to know it was ok. I hope she's keeping our loved ones happy and she feels like her old self.

Peace to you all and if you have pets please kiss them and tell them how much you love them. You never know how long they will be here on earth with us.

Almost mid week check in...

2007-10-23T19:21:00.000-05:00

I'm going to try to check in more since I have been kind of lax about writing lately. It's been quite a week.

Today I took my dog to my local vet to get her stitches out from her Biopsy 10 days ago. If any of you have pets you know how tramatic it can be when you see them sick or in pain. She did ok with the biopsy - but my heart almost broke on the ride home because she cried all the way back. We did the biopsy to figure out what is going on with her. My local vet thought it might be an auto immune disease... But it turned out to be something even worse it's called Canine epitheliotropic lymphoma. In lay terms it's skin cancer. It's on the rarer side and it's disgusting. The animal gets these skin ulcers that just don't go away. She smells bad and overall is itchy.

She's not quite at the point to put her down but it's so awful to watch her go through this. My vet today was very empathetic and agrees with our decision to not do chemo. From what I read if we did chemo it would only extend her life 1-5 months and honestly what good is that.

So my days are filled with sadness with the upcoming inevitable fate of my little friend who has been so good to me for so many years. She's moved with me into all of my adult homes -- She's seen me through a few breakups with men -- and never once complained. It's just a very difficult thing to go through and I think anyone with a pet knows what I am talking about. With animals it's all about love and losing them really breaks your heart.

IT would be so easy to drown my sadness with food but I don't want to behave that way anymore. It's ok to feel sad sometimes and medicating with food will not help anything.

did the deed...

2007-10-21T10:34:00.000-05:00

I truly think you cannot start fresh unless you know exactly where you are at. So, bravely I jumped on the scale this morning. I did expect a gain -- My clothes were telling me that I gained so it wasn't a surprised. I was glad to see it wasn't more than 8.6 lbs... Not happy about that but when I pushed the button and re-weighed my self (I have one of those memory scales -- I weight myself last week sometime and didn't look...) I actually lost 3.4 lbs... so i guess in some small way it's a good thing.

I'm totally accountable this week and plan on weighing in every day or every other day to keep me honest! Hopefully we'll see a loss this week!

Time flys!

2007-10-21T08:48:00.001-05:00

Holy crap --- It's been awhile since I have written.

So lots of things have happen in the past month and a half. My husband and I are actively TTC and so far have had no luck. But mentally I think it has put my good food program in ot a spin. I have been struggling to eat well but am not giving up. I have some great days and then some not so great days.

This past Friday seemed to be a really challenging day for me. I found out bad news about my dearly beloved pet dog. She's been ill for awhile but we finally got a diagnosis of cancer. I was kind of surprised because we have been thinking it was something else all along. She is an older dog (she'll be 13 on Nov 18) -- Our vet wanted to refer us to an oncologist but at this point I think we have decided to make her comfortable and let nature take it's course. Honestly, If we did start treatment, I'm not sure if extending her life a few months will make a difference which is also a tough pill to swallow.

My parents had a dog from the same litter and he also this summer grew a big tumor in his stomach and they just put him down in the middle of september. These dogs have become more like family so it's hard when we lose them. I think that's the hardest part of being a pet owner ais knowing that some day they will have to deal with their passing.

So as you can see things have been rather busy for me and my food program has fallen by the sidelines sort of. I have been working out but not as much as I have in the past -- So I need to get back on track with that.

I'll weight in soon but am scared to see the number because I know I have gained.... But it's better than sticking my head in the sand. So today is going to be a day that I am back on track and my goal is to be on track (1500 cal)/day for the next week.

Hope everyone has a great week.

The Party is OVER!!!

2007-09-07T17:09:00.000-05:00

ok - so it's be awhile since I have written. Lots going on so have not had a chance. However one thing that has to be over is the fact that I need to absolutely get back on track. I have been on vacation and so has my program... It's amazing how things can slip out of control. So, I'm starting fresh and upping my daily calories to 1500 for a bit to get back on track. I find it's easier to add a little more calories to get back on track and if I then feel like reducing my calories I can do that after a few days or a week or so of a higher calorie intake.

We went on vacation to visit another town/city area that we are thinking about relocating to. Such a scary thing.. It's amazing the older I get the more frightening change is. We are not really happy with the school system as we get closer to having our son in the public schools here. (he'll be in Kindergarten next year) and we are seriously thinking about leaving Massachusetts due to all the school issues/problems we have been seeing.

The other news is that the job I interviewed for full time was not a perfect fit. Which actually is a blessing in disguise... My life would drastically change if I too the full time and I would also have a harder time manging the clients I currently have. Of course the money would of been nice to have steady income --- but alas, it was not meant to be.

Also I have been terrified to get on the scale. I know I have had a gain but why is it -- that it's so hard to get back on the flipping scale after you know you have had a gain? I have one of those scales that lets you "bookmark" your weight so that when you hop on again you press a button and it automatically tells you if you have gained or loss anything. So I techincally I have hopped on the scale... just have not looked at the numbers.

In A Funk...

2007-08-16T12:36:00.000-05:00

So I have been have 2 not so great days. Yesterday was a bad day for me and it was set off by having a bad morning. As some of you might know I am a freelance designer --- I had a meeting set up with an ad agency to talk about some freelance work.

The interview went well - He loved my portfolio and it was funny because it felt like he was trying to sell me on working with them - not the other way around. It's kind of funny to me how that happens. It wasn't that long ago that I felt I had to work hard to convince people to take a risk on me and I would do a great job for them.

Well all went well and I made the mistake at the end to ask how to get out of the building. He then proceeded to walk me out. Which was nice - however, just as I was about to escape out the door he asks me if I have any children. I was obviously wearing my wedding rings so he knew I was married. I felt cornered like this was a question he should really not be asking since it has no relevance to my work performance... I said yes, I have a boy... hoping I could just get out with that. Then he asked me how old. Now I am a terrible lier so I told him. I said my goodbyes and then left.

When I got back to the office I sent of a quick email and all i heard was crickets. No comment - no acknowledgment of thanks for coming in and we'll be in touch... etc. etc. etc.

Now one of two things happened. 1) I am completely paranoid about this issue and he was just asking a friendly question and I perhaps will hear from them soon.... 2) He really doesn't want to work with someone who has children and wanted to rule me out because of it and I should not want to work with anyone who thinks that way.

This is the second interview that this has happened and both were with men in their 50s. I can't help but wonder if prejudice is still alive and well out there in the world. I just never thought it would be because I have children.

It's also one of those questions that is difficult to figure out the right non answer without being perceived as a bitch or worse yet answering it (confirming that I do have kids) and also have an attitude.

If anyone has any advice on this I am happy to hear it because at this point I am just flummoxed.

Visiting a friend...

2007-08-13T11:34:00.000-05:00

I just got back from visiting some friends for the weekend. So I am completely back on track for Monday. I was proud to say that I made much better food choices while I was away for most of my meals. I did not track like I should of.

I did however feel a little awkward while away. We went to a posh town that people around there refer to their millions as just a "lot of dough". Every other car there is a Lexus that my friends affectionately call Camry's since they are every where. We went shopping in the center of town that had all the expensive shops you can think of -- I was walking in and out of shops and felt like a fish out of water --- I don't think I saw one overweight person while I was there. I guess when you make millions and millions you have the time to work out with a trainer every day along with making sure your personal chef makes you your perfect caloric meals.

Anyway - it was good to be away but it always make me appreciate home more.

To a happy week and lots of weight loss!

Reality Bites

2007-08-06T07:40:00.001-05:00

Not only that it stings too!

Why is it that you can go along through life when you are overweight and look in the mirror and still not see how big you are? How does this happen? Over the weekend I went to see my husbands band play in a outdoor concert/festival. It was fun to be out over the weekend and my son was happy to be out in the fresh air. My brother and his partner came for a bit and took some photos of everything.

Well, I just got a look at the photos. Now I have lost 35 lbs since February of this year. kudo's to me! I was starting to feel really good about this --- well at least until I saw the photos. It's amazing how I feel like I have not made a dent in my weight loss looking at the photos. I was wondering why some people have not noticed that I have lost weight and looking at the photos kind of tells me no wonder. It stings to see reality.

Also - My husband and I have decided to "pull the goalie" since we want to have another child and I am at the point that I think we just can't wait any more. I don't want to run the risk of being too old or who knows how long it will take for me to get pregnant.

That's kind of the other downer for me - Since I hope to be pregnant soon - I am kind of bummed to be putting the weight loss on hold. I have come so far it's sort of disappointing to stop. I do however plan on still tracking my food intake and just make sure that I am in a healthy range of food intake on a daily basis. I want to approach this pregnancy completely differently than my last one.

So I am starting this Monday on program but kind of bummed out to still feel so bad about how I look. Hoping this week is a good one!

Weeks end...

2007-08-03T09:47:00.000-05:00

So it's been a good week I have to say -- Have not hopped on the scale to see if I have been rewarded weight wise --- but either way I feel it was a good week.

I seem to still be amazed that I can still eat the same foods that I have in the past (less of them of course) and still lose weight. Once you get rid of the all or nothing attitude you are so much better off. I think it also helps to mentally tell yourself every day that you are doing something positive to change your lifestyle. I mean that is what it is ultimately about - Changing your lifestyle. Mentally thinking like a thin person would also helps. Next time you are out with a thin friend - notice how they generally approach eating. They eat less and make sure to sample things that they enjoy but they just don't over do it.

Hoping you all have a good healthy weekend!

At Last!

2007-07-29T09:08:00.000-05:00

Ok so it took a few weeks and a bit of a struggle but I seem to have finally pushed through my plateau this month. Of course going to a few bbq parties didn't help my cause but I'm back on track. I have lost a total of 35 lbs and feel great! Working out has made all the difference. I bought an elliptical for our basement in February which kind of all kick started my weight loss off. I absolutely love having this in the house. We live kind of out in the sticks so going to the gym is a time consuming process. Having it in the house allows very little excuses for not working out and you can always fit in a few min if I can't do my normal 50 min work out.

In my earlier life I use to dance. I loved it -- but after I quit I kind of lost touch with working out and how much I love it. I feel like I am back in touch with that and don't want to lose it ever again!

I'm hoping this week is a great week!

a bad day...

2007-07-24T14:23:00.001-05:00

Today for some reason I am in a funk. Could be because I feel not busy enough with work. Could be that I got on the scale and gained 2 lbs.... Why is it that a stupid number on the scale can really ruin your day? It's seems silly. I need to get back on track and I will with the next meal.

I also think I am mistaking thirst with hunger. It's an evil thing that you automatically go to the fridge and eat something. I need to reset myself to go get a drink first then think about food 2nd. Sigh, guess baby steps gets you to your goals!

So next meal -- I am back on track.

Clothing that fits!

2007-07-19T07:22:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure if you are like me but I don't have a lot of time to try on clothing when I go shopping. Generally I see something - I will purchase it if it's a good price and in the size I think I am. But it's amazing how you can "forget" what size you are and purchase things that you "think" will fit. I have done this on several occasions. So I have managed to get myself quite a closet of things that even have the tags on them of clothing I was surprised to see didn't fit. I also, didn't have time to bring them back to the store - so there they sat, in my closet just waiting to be worn.

I have quite a closet - ranging from size 8-18. I do manage to thin it out ever so often...But I am still holding on to a few pieces of clothing that I wore in my thinner days. Probably have not even been worn in over 10 years or so. My goal is to get to a size 8-10 and stay there. If my BMI is good I would even be comfortable being a 10-12 size.

I am very excited that I have been wearing a lot of the old "new" clothes - and it's a great sense of accomplishment that I can fit into them. It's also prompted me to thin out the closet again.

I am now in week 20 and have lost 33.8 lbs so far. I think the biggest thing that I have learned in the past 20 weeks is that it is possible to still have the foods you like and still lose weight. I just have to eat a lot less of them.

The other best thing that I did was to purchase an at home elliptical machine. Having a child makes it really hard to get exercise in - but having the convenience of working out at home has really made the difference. We live out in the sticks so it takes too long to go to the gym and back while I use the same time I would just to go to the gym to complete my workout. I love it and consider the time on the elliptical "me" time.

Back on Track...

2007-07-07T21:21:00.000-05:00

It only took me a few weeks but with all the BBQ parties it been hard to really stay on track. But atlas, I managed to get off the two pounds that I did manage to gain. I feel strong and it amazes me how much I miss exercise when I do not get it in. I also have been using a new tool from calorieking.com - It is a great site and best of all you can easily look up calories in just about any food. I have been using the softare that they sell and it really is great to see all the additional info that goes along with the food. (i.e. how much cholesteral I am taking in a day etc.) The only pain is you need to enter data on the computer. I have been doing so well with a note book but it really does not matter as long as I track. It is the only way I stay on program!

Glad to be back on track and am looking forward to a great week! Hope you have a good one too!

Stress...

2007-06-27T12:06:00.000-05:00

Stress can be an evil thing. I sometimes handle it great. i.e. when I am busy stress. But the stress that I don't handle well is when I am alone and not busy. Those times are the dangerous one for me. These are the times when all I want to do is eat to make myself feel better. Usually sweets and or starches is what I run to. It's so frustrating because you brain can go on automatic pilot.

Yesterday was the first day of "camp" for my son. I thought it would be hard for him since its with a new place and i would be hard for him to deal with being without me. However, while it was a little difficult for him - It's been worse for me. I got nervous.... I have not met the people running the program until we walked in the door (probably a mistake) - I was not crazy about the woman in charge of my sons room... and since this was my first experience with our town's school system --- I couldn't help but feel very uncomfortable because the school wasn't up to what I guess my standards are.... Which then lead me down to re-evaluate where we are living.

My husband and I actually had a conversation about moving.... We knew moving to this community might be a risk. We want a good school system - and I was told it was good (not great) but considering it's next to impossible to buy a normal house here without spending 500,000 K.... we took a risk and moved here. Now don't get me wrong. This town is perfectly fine but I guess both me and my husband are judging the town/school system by where we grew up and what we experienced.

So, I sit here dealing wtih my urges to run to the fridge and stuff down my stress.... I hate this.

Overheard Conversations...

2007-06-25T12:12:00.000-05:00

Before my trip away I decided to go treat myself to a new bathing suit. The shear thought of putting one of these on in the past has sent such a huge terror through me but since I have lost some weight and I want to be more active I just went for it. They make such cute stuff now that they are not as revealing as swim suits are in the past.

While I was out looking at suits - I thought it was interesting that two women were looking in the same swim suit isle and one was very very frustrated because she could not find her size - Size 18 +. "All of these stores ONLY sell to skinny people... They don't believe that fat people go swimming".

I thought this was kind of funny. It is true it's hard to find clothing over a size 18 in regular stores but it's really up to the individual store weather they want to sell and stock sizes in over a size 18. She has a choice to go to another store that actually cater to the 18+ size option but I think she'd rather just complain that it's not fair that a regular store doesn't carry her size.

Status Quo...

2007-06-25T12:10:00.000-05:00

I am currently on a plateau but that's ok. I have not gained weight and I am doing great by getting exercise in where I can. I just got back from spending 2.5 weeks away and I managed to lose about 4 lbs in that time frame so staying at the same weight for a few more days is ok. I am just going to tighten up my calorie intake and make sure that I am tracking my food.

Kitchen/Living room combo...

2007-06-18T09:21:00.000-05:00

I have been away visiting family for a few weeks and I am sOoooo glad that my house has a separate kitchen from the living room. It's way to easy to eat and eat and eat while watching TV... it blows my mind. When my husband and i were first looking to buy a new house I was looking for a nice feature of the living room/dining room/kitchen combo... But I am so glad that we don't have that. I have to think twice before going over to the fridge or pantry to graze....

accomplishments

2007-05-31T20:11:00.000-05:00

I am beginning to really notice the difference in myself since losing weight.

Since I have lost over 26 lbs., not only do my clothes fit better and am in a smaller size or two but my knee no longer bothers me. It would hurt sometimes after sleeping (i am a side sleeper and my knees together would hurt after awhile) - And also it would hurt after driving for awhile-- Sometimes even my shoulder would hurt. These ailments have dissappeared! It's great.

It's not only encouraging to have smaller clothing but feeling better is really the best reward for losing weight.l

I think in the past my mind has only been on the vanity side of losing weight... But I am really feeling and liking the heatlh benefits of losing weight.

Hang in there if you're trying - If I can do this... I think anyone can.

reality check...

2007-05-27T20:03:00.000-05:00

So have you ever had a success with weight loss and just when you are starting to feel good. You notice your clothes are loose, you feel better, your stomach is flatter and then it happens. You get a full body glance at yourself at a store or in a glass reflection --- and you're ego is squashed because you realized you are still fat. One has to be careful because it it way too easy to use this as an excuse to fall off the wagon.

I am glad I have come a long way. I want to keep going strong. I Keep reminding myself of how far I have come every day and that I am truly done being fat.

For all of you struggling with the same -- remember you have to crawl before you walk and it's one day at a time!

the evils of whip cream

2007-05-23T13:20:00.001-05:00

been awhile since my last entry. Been crazy busy with work which is good. Feast or famine is kind of my life. Did some work onsite for a change and it was refreshing. The commute however was not. The place where I was working was over an hour away! Yikes. My commute is walking from upstairs to down and back and forth from the coffee maker. Some would think this type of work situation is GREAT.... sometimes it is... but I find I work all sorts of hours. Working onsite kind of reminded me of what it's like to go home and shut work off. How refreshing.

My biggest challenge with food these days seems to be in a can called whip cream.... I tend to allow myself a little with my frozen yogurt at night. But it seems that a little is turing out to be a lot! So I think I need to go cold turkey on it for awhile. Beyond that It's been kind of easy to stay within my caloric range. I feel like I am getting enough food and I have been drinking some herbal tea with lemon to help the inbetween cravings.

I had an off weekend so I got back on track on monday - so weigh in this week should be interesting. Guess I am hoping for any loss and be happy.

Inspiration

2007-04-30T12:25:00.000-05:00

I have been listening to a musican called Chantal Kreviazuk and one of her songs is just great. Check it out. Lyrics below.

Song Title: TIME

Time, where did you go?
Why did you leave me here alone?
Wait, don’t go so fast
I’m missing the moments as they pass
Now I’ve looked in the mirror and the worlds getting clearer
So wait for me this time

I’m down I’m down on my knees I’m begging for all your sympathy
But you (I’m just an illusion) you don’t seem to care (I wish that I could)
You humble people everywhere (I don’t mean to hurt you)
Now I’ve looked in the mirror and the worlds getting clearer
I’ll take what you give me. please know that I’m learning
So wait for me this time

I should’ve know better
I shouldn’t have wasted those days
And afternoons and mornings
I threw them all away

Now this is my time
I’m going to make this moment mine.
(I shouldn’t have wasted those days)
I’ll take what you give me. please know that I’m learning
I’ve looked in the mirror
My world’s getting clearer
So wait for me this time

Friday

2007-04-27T19:51:00.000-05:00

So it's been quite a week. I guess I am officially back on the roller coaster with work. I turned down two separate jobs. The money for these two full time positions was only about 10K more than I made last year - and Last year was a bad year for me. But the bigger issue is why work somewhere else for 50 hours a week when I can work from home and manage my own schedule.? It Doesn't mean that I am opposed to a full time position - it just has to be the right position - with the right hours for the right $$.

I picked up this new client recently and it's going really well. I think I work best with two clients and I love the fact that the new client is challenging me.

I have had a great week on program and I really think the key for me is to keep a daily food journal. I feel really focused on this for the first time in a long time.

Summer and kids...

2007-04-24T12:54:00.000-05:00

So I am sitting here trying to figure out what to do with my son for the summer. It seems that there is quite a break between the summer programs and the fall programs. What is that about? I mean, what are parents suppose to do with 4 weeks of off time in the summer... Along with the 4 week vacations that kids get during the school year.

I guess I am fortunate to be in a position that I can work from home and manage the weeks off. But what employer gives their employees 8 weeks a year of vacation?

I guess that's what grandparents were invented for!

BRAVO's Work Out show

2007-04-18T12:58:00.000-05:00

Anyone out there ever catch an episode of a realty based program called Workout on Bravo? It's pretty awesome. The show is about a bunch of personal trainers and their day to day lives and clients.

Jackie (picture left) is the owner and has started a new program called "sky lab" and they've taken on several overweight clients to help mold them into shape. It's inspiring to watch them work out and nice to see other people who struggle with the same problems a lot of us have regarding weight.

Last night they had a group therapy session which I thought was insightful. If you didn't see it, it basically said that our inner voices need to be kinder to ourselves. I know I personally my inner voice has been very hard and judgemental in the past and I am trying to change that.

Check it out. It's on Tuesday nights at 10 or check them out online here.

Life Insurance and Fat

2007-04-17T14:27:00.000-05:00

So, my husband has been on a kick recently that he wants to get us life insurance. I have been sooooo putting this off because of my weight. We do have some coverage through my husbands work but we kind of need additional just in case.

I am sick over the idea of the exam. Nothing sends terror through me more than a technician and a portable scale. I can deal with most thing - Like a blood test, a urine test and any other type of tests but nothing sends chills up my spine more than having to hop on a scale for someone had have them write it on their clip board and stare me down..... It's the judgement that I fear. I also fear that we will have to take a 2nd mortgage out in order for us to pay the premium because I am fat.

I was looking around on the web and it's amazing how many people get turned down for life insurance because of their weight. I just hate the whole idea of someone also putting my stats into a computer and seeing if we will measure up to their standards.... I think the worst part is once you apply for one insurance and they test you, it goes into a database so anyone else you apply with will have access to this database.... I also know that if you lose weight you can have a new physical to reduce your premium....

Let's just hope they will give us coverage and my worst fear is that they will turn me down.

Anyone else have this issue?

Stir Crazy and Rain

2007-04-16T10:56:00.000-05:00

Since we live in the north east, we are currently being pounded by a storm. I guess the silver lining is that it's not snow. I mean, it's April - rain is kind of the norm not snow. Anyway, I kind of feel like I am in a funk today. I had a good food day yesterday until later that night. I happen to read in a diet book that you should have one day of eat what you want so you dont feel deprived. So I gave into the wheat thins that were calling my name and I ate a few too many. I'm not sure why they even pretend these crackers are healthy...... I felt pretty horrible going to bed.

I think this idea of haing a day to "eat what you've been craving" is a great idea. However, I tend to have a hard time getting back on the wagon after one of these episodes. I mean if I have a bit of something I am usually ok. But if that little voice in my head says --- go ahead and eat one more --- it's difficult to stop and then you end up feeling like you just had a one night stand....

Anyway, i am back on track - feeling kind of rotten today but it has to do with the weather too. I am always cranky the first day of getting back on track. But sometimes you just need to do things that you don't like or want to do.

Interviewing...

2007-04-11T23:59:00.000-05:00

I am a graphic designer by trade. Been designing for a long time and have been in the world of freelance for close to 10 years. If you have ever done any kind of freelance work you know that it's kind of like riding a roller coaster. The times you have work are great.... The times you don't have work... well, that's a different story. I have a hard time not being busy.

Since I am in a slow period, I am actively looking for either a long term contract position or some kind of full time position that would be a good fit.

I want off the roller coaster. Well at least for awhile.

I recently interviewed with a company for a consulting gig. I was perfect for the position. I had actually interviewed with several other groups in this company for different position several months ago -- This job was a good fit - but unfortunately I did not get it. I walked out of the interview thinking I got it - Finally. But after a few days passed, that sinking feeling reared it's ugly head that I knew I didn't get it. I can deal with rejection. God knows I deal with it a lot getting projects or not getting them. But I can't help but wonder if I would of had a better chance of getting the job if I were thinner ( I interviewed with 3 men). I probably didn't get it because someone else was more qualified - but I hate having the thought that it had to do with my appearance.

But as a woman in the work place I still feel that we are judged by our appearance as well. If two candidates are equally qualified.... I'm guessing the thinner one will get the offer. It's funny but this experience has so reminded me of what dating use to be like. I am so glad I am married with a wonderful husband who loves me inside and out.

You think that in this day an age discrimination in the workforce would be a thing of the past. Sad to know it's alive and well. Anyone else have this experience?

Interesting reading on "it's not easy for obese workers - Your Career - MSNBC.com"

First Entry

2007-04-10T23:23:00.000-05:00

I've been inspired by so many blogs out there I decided to join in the fun. I wanted to have a place to have an outlet on weight and life in general.

I'll start by telling you a little about myself. I am 37 (just had a b-day in Feb). I have a 3 year old boy. I'm married happily and I live in MA.

Several weeks ago I decided that I'm done being fat. I've had it. I want to change my life and I want to have another child and I simply cannot get pregnant at my current weight.

So my goal is to lose as much weight as I can - be healthy and continue a healthy lifestyle through my 2nd pregnancy. My first one was not so healthy. I didn't even want to be weighed in at the doctors office. I only guessed what my highest weight was when I was pregnant after I had lost 33lbs when I went for my 6 week check up. YES... 33 Lbs.... I think most of it was water but I was shocked.

Anyone else out there like that?