renewed inspiration.. 4/19/09

i have been far too absent from this blog. My life is crazy busy living with a 5 year old and a 7 month old seems to take all my time away from me. i only get a few moments in the evening to myself.

But every so often... something happens in our life that makes us reflect into ourself.. or perhaps it is a few things. I want to change things in my life. i am tired of being this big... i have no energy and after taking my blood pressure it has creeps up. So i need to fix this weight issue. I need to figure out how to balance my life better.

My husband's aunt passed away this past friday. The saddest part is that she was only in her mid 50s. She was diagnosed with breast cancer in the fall and was given an all clear in december after undergoing chemo and a mastectomy. About 3 weeks ago, the cancer had come back with a vengeance and went to her lungs. This is then what she died from. she could no longer breath. It was horrible to experience this -- Her death got me thinking that I really need to get back on track and take better care of myself.

It is so easy to get caught up in the day to day activities of our children that we somehow seem to lose sight of taking care of ourselves... You say --'oh i'll start that diet tomorrow --- and tomorrow comes and you still have not started... then it's next week i'll start and somehow days and weeks seem to slip by you and you've gained another 10 lbs.

i have a problem with self medicating with food. It is a comfort... .it is a companion and is always there --- it's dependable .... it makes you feel good while you are eating... it can release endorphins that make you feel good...I eat when i get stressed, when i am mad, when i am happy.... i think every emotion can make me run to the fridge. Why do we do this? More important --- how to stop.. That is the challenge. I may not have the courage to see the number on the scale first.. and I may not want to share the actual number but I need to start doing something and downward numbers definitely help keep me motivated.

Feeling Sad

I found out that one of my dear friend/co-workers mom had a massive stroke on xmas eve. She had just had surgery for her heart and was doing really well. She is in her 80’s but is one of the most vibrant seniors I know. She always liven ups the office by her presence and is always a joy to be around. While the doctors are not optimistic about her recovery I hope she will. She will be sadly missed if she does not recover. Life is way to short.

harsh reality...

Have you ever had those moments... You know the one that really realized that your outside image does not match the one that you have in your head? Well reality just smacked me in the face again. I don’t know why I am surprised every time this happens. I mean.. I know the number on the scale isn’t exactly pretty.. and I’ve been down this road before but somehow you slip back into denial - you keep thinking “I’m not really THAT fat” -- Well... I just snapped back into reality when my husband took some photos over christmas. I look HORRIBLE! I know I just had a baby a few months ago but that is really no excuse. So I am refocusing myself... I think I’ve been using the baby as an excuse to not really watch what I am eating...

Taking extra portions because “I’m breast feeding” I tell myself.. so I need the extra food... NO --- I don’t need the extra food....

So I have hit that moment again -- when I started this blog -- I am SOOOO done being fat -- I want to get healthy and feel better about myself.

The worst part is I recently joined Facebook. It’s actually stirred up all sorts of weird feeling because I am back in touch with a lot of people I went to high school with. I know people love to post photos of themselves.. but I cannot bring myself to post any of my fat photos. I have one from my wedding when I weighted around 170 and don’t look too bad -- but there’s no way I would post one now. I would love to have that as a goal for me. Post some photos that I am not embarrassed about. I still cannot believe it’s been 20 years since I graduated from High School.

It’s funny because if you really think about all the accomplishments you have made since high school I am sure the list is long. I know mine is. I am successful at my chosen career, I have a wonderful husband who loves me unconditionally, and I have two beautiful children, I live in a nice house in a nice town -- But I can’t help but feel like a failure because I am overweight. I don’t want to be judged by my weight anymore and I don’t want to “accept” my current size.

So my second baby has developed a case of Eczema in the past two weeks or so. I am so scared he might have a food allergy just like my first... I so don’t want to go through that again. It’s so stressful and I was hoping that he would have a normal childhood without me hovering and constantly having to worry about the food choices he makes.

I have dropped Soy and Milk out of my diet. I have been busting my ass to make sure he gets exclusive breast milk and am wondering if I have done more harm than good with this. I am so looking forward to taking My first child to the Allergy doctor in a few days so I can talk about how to start getting my second son tested... I am of course concerned about my older son but I know that we have been managing things fine with him and we have a handle on how to deal with his particular situation. I think fear of the unknown is the scary part that I really don’t want to deal with.

I also feel a bit unsupported by the Peditrican’s office. When I brought the baby in to have someone check out the spot on his cheek -- I mentioned that I was going to eliminate certain foods from my diet and she was kind of wishy washy about the idea. She said, well you know that’s kind of hard to do... I was like “duh, I know but I am willing to do it ”-- I mean I was able to change my diet when I had to when I had gestational diabetes... I can do it now.

long time....

HI -- It's been awhile since I have last posted... I plan on posting more in the coming months... As some of you know I am pregnant and expecting another child in September... Once the baby is born... I am back to the healthy living style and weight loss... I have been eating healthy during my pregnancy... but at least I will get rewarded with weight loss.

Things during my pregnancy have been relatively good -- However I did develop one complication with Gestational Diabetes. I NEVER want to have to deal with this in a non pregnancy state... I don't know how people who develop type II stay that way... It's a huge incentive to stay on program and eat healthier and exercise more. I was really upset when I found out about the GD -- Because it felt like a failure on my part that I was diagnosed.... After doing some research --- anyone can get GD - It's more common in women over 25... The weight probably didn't help but it wasn't the sole cause....

I am doing great managing it. I feel like I have to take care of it... it's for a greater reason other than vanity... taking care of my baby....

I am looking forward to getting my body back to normal... Pregnancy towards the end can be a real drain.

I hope to be back on a more regular basis soon

Big News...

Hi all ---

I know it's been a long time since I have written -- lots have changed here.

for starters --- My husband and I are now expecting our 2nd child. I am now just about 12 weeks and I managed to get pregnant back in January --- thus the hold on the weight program. I am trying to continue eating right and trying not to over eat during this pregnancy. One thing I can do is definitely keep working out. So far I have been getting on my elliptical 3 times a week at least for an hour each time. Mind you I am not working out to my highest level -- but keeping moving so I can keep my blood pressure in good condition and overall feel better about myself.

I may check in time to time --- but If I am absent -- you at least know why.

2nd --- We did get a new dog. It happened much faster than I ever expected. He's still quite the puppy and I feel like I now have two children and another one on the way!!! But my son is enjoying him and so is my husband. Some day I'll get another female shih tzu- -- but for now we have a male Havanese who is quite mischievous --- and SOOOO different from my other dog.

I'm looking forward to Easter because I finally get to tell my family about our news. It's been so hard to keep quiet...

Like I said -- I'll be checking in from time to time --- and I will be strictly back on program once the baby comes!